


The Death of Duty

by The_Hawk_Eye



Series: Ours is a tragic song [1]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-19 23:07:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18980221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: "I wish I could save you from this." Sansa looks troubled and guilty and Jon hates to see her like that. She didn't do anything wrong. She fought hard for him. He is the one who failed her.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This is my way to deal with the end of GoT because I'm still hurt but at least I had an open end which is a good thing.
> 
> English is not my first Language so sorry for the mistakes. I'm trying really hard to improve my writing skills.

Jon kneels in front of her. She looks radiant in those clothes. Sansa is always beautiful, however, she looks haunted too. He iced blue eyes don't shine and her smile doesn't reach them. Sansa moves her hands and tells him to rise. It is the first time a king, in this case, a queen, comes to Castle Black in decades. Nobody knows what to do, how to behave in front of her. Jon is the only one who addresses her properly along with other old knights but the younger men are completely lost. Jon guides her to his office, all men are surprised and it is better if Jon doesn't give them the chance to lurk around Sansa.

"This is not a place for a queen." He says after closing the door.

"This is not a place for a king." Sansa says back. Jon sighs and tries really hard not to answer that comment with a bitter tone.

"You know I am not a king. I never really was." He is weak around her and he can’t let her have the last word about that. Jon knows better than to say anything but he can't help it. He loses his mind around her.

"You are the true King in the North." Sansa says and she sounds so sure of that.

"You will be a better ruler." That is the only truth that he knows. She will be the best queen the north could ask for. Sansa deserves to be queen and be loved by her people.

"I wish I could save you from this." Sansa looks troubled and guilty and Jon hates to see her like that. She didn't do anything wrong. She fought hard for him. He is the one who failed her.

"It's fine Sansa." He says and grabs her hands. "This is what I deserve for my crimes against the Realm."

"I want you to know you did the right thing." She says without any doubt in her voice. There is a part inside Jon that knows she is right but he can’t agree with her. Sansa doesn't know everything that happened that day. Sansa didn’t see the horror of that day. Sansa doesn't know he brought the Targaryen queen because of her army and dragons, she doesn't know he used her. She doesn't know he watched a city burnt and didn't do anything. Sansa doesn't know he killed her while kissing her. Sansa doesn’t know he stabbed her heart while she thought he loved her. "They can't see it but I can. She was a tyrant and you saved us from her." For one second, he thinks she will add something else but Sansa remains in silence for several seconds before he steps back and sits. He doesn’t want to fight with Sansa because Jon is afraid he will say all the things he doesn’t want her to know.

After that, they talk about the Wall and everything they need to rebuild the Wall again. There is no Night King but Bran has talked about other threats in the North.

That day, they just speak about the Wall and later, Sansa baths and rests before having dinner with the Night Watch and her own men. Jon has to admit his men behave better than expected. Some of them remember Sansa and show her gratitude for coming. Nobody cared about the Night Watch before, therefore, it is nice to see a ruler showing some interest.

Next day, Jon shows her the ruins and what he wants to do. They talk with the builders of the Watch who are the best they have here but their knowledge is not enough. Sansa promises materials, hands and builders who can help and teach Jon's men. The third day Sansa passes the Wall to see the real North. Tormund would have said something about Sansa. Tormund would have said she is a real woman of the north. Jon is glad he is not here to say anything, Tormund is too honest and would surely say something inappropriate.

Sansa is riding a white horse and looks regal with her long red hair falling over her back. He thinks about the wildlings and their ways of living. He thinks about taking Sansa right now and riding north. He moves his horse next to hers. Sansa is smiling and this time he can see her eyes shining with happiness. If they were wildlings, he could take her right now and claim her. He feels ashamed of those thoughts but doesn't run from them. Those thoughts are the only thing he has nowadays. Dreaming is the only thing he can do in the Wall.

"We should go back." He says in the afternoon. Her men must be worried about her queen. Jon is not sure how she has been able to leave them in the Wall while she is only with Jon.

"This place is beautiful." She mumbles. "So white and perfect." Jon nods. Sansa is right, the real north is perfect, a magic world for them. She would be happy here. Jon smiles when Sansa’s eyes find his. If they were wildlings he could take her right now and make her his. But they are not wildlings. They are not free to run away to the real north and forget about the rest.

After some minutes, she goes back to the Wall in silence. Sansa will leave in the morning. They have dinner and they drink and laugh together. Sansa's batmen along with some men of the Night Watch end around them playing drinking games. They praise Sansa and call her the Red Wolf. Tormund would have said she is lucky too because she is kissed by fire. Tormund would have said all the things Jon wants to say but can't, all the things he doesn’t dare to say.

Late that night Jon guides her to her chambers. They are talking and when they arrive at her door they stopped. Jon looks her hair, he yearns to touch it. When he was a little boy, he thought her hair would burn him. He thought her hair was fire and was always trying to find excuses to touch it. Jon was fascinated by her hair and blue eyes like ice. It is wrong but he strokes the hair that falls over her shoulder.

"Wildlings say red-haired people are kissed by fire." He says suddenly. "They are lucky and beautiful." He adds and blames the alcohol for that.

"Tormund told me that one day." She says with a smile.

"He always says that." Jon accepts. "He is right." He continues still touching her hair. "You're beautiful. I always liked your hair." He opens up even though it is wrong. "I thought about you the day of your coronation... I wanted to be there. I'm sorry about that."

"I'm the one who is sorry." Sansa touches his hands briefly, the one that is caressing her hair. "I'm the one who failed you. Can you forgive me?" She asks for forgiveness and Jon moves his head to both sides. He cups her face and gets lost in her blue eyes.

"I'm the one who is sorry..." Jon doesn’t finish the sentence. A corridor is not a place to talk about this. Before he can say anything, Sansa opens the door and drags him inside her chambers. He feels light when his body touches Sansa's but he doesn't allow himself to dwell on that feeling. "I failed you." He continues. There is no way he can run away from this conversation so it will be better if he just says what he always wanted to tell her. "You didn't do anything wrong, you warned me about her. You warned everybody but no one listened." Nobody wanted to listen because Daenerys had a beautiful speech about a new world that was absorbing and full of hope. He wanted her dragons but for one second he believed she could be better. He is a Targaryen and was so afraid of being like her... "I lost my mind the day I knew the truth about my parentage. I was a Targaryen and I thought she and I were the same."

"You are a Stark, Jon." He nods.

"I know but at that moment I was afraid I could be like her. I thought..." He doesn't know how to put his thoughts into words. "What if I... I've killed people. I've killed traitors. I've killed a boy Sansa and I thought I was like her. I thought I was as violent as her, looking for excuses and justifying my crimes."

"You're nothing like her. Listen to me, Jon." She makes him look at her eyes. "You're nothing like her." She repeats. "You're Jon Snow of Winterfell." Her fingers dig on his skin. "You are a good person. You never enjoyed killing people. You have always tried to be fair and just."

"I'm so sorry..." He cries.

"You did the right thing." Sansa hugs him. She pulls him against her body and embraces him as tight as possible. And he responds to her. Jon passes his arms around her body and feels the warmth of her face in his cheek. He should have been better. He should have been better for her.

“I’m so sorry.” He cries. He feels the tears falling through his cheeks. He was terrified of this moment. He was terrified of not being forgiven. All he ever wanted was to protect his family. All he ever wanted was to protect her. He failed her but he tried so hard... He doesn't deserve her. After months of solitude in the Wall; after months of guilt and self-hatred... This is all he ever wanted. “I’m sorry Sansa.”

“It’s fine Jon. You did the right thing.” All he ever wanted since that day was to be forgiven.

The minutes pass slowly in the room. Sansa hugs him and lets him cry in silence. There is no need for words between them. Jon lets her go when he feels ready to face her again. He kneels before her and kisses her hands. This is a promise. He will do anything she wants. He will protect her from any harm. She makes him stand. She is making another promise. Sansa is promising him freedom. Jon nods. Her eyes are shining, she has been crying too. She has been suffering too because of him. She has been terrified of this moment too. Jon feels so stupid. There is nothing he can forgive her.

They remain in silence then, just looking at the other. And Jon feels it. Jon sees it and understands for the first time what she feels for him. He closes the distance between them. He doesn't run, he gives her time to step back or deny his kiss but she doesn't. Sansa is the one who makes disappear completely the distance between their lips. Their bodies collide but this time more violently.

This is a mistake, but Jon doesn't mind. He will regret all his miserable life if he doesn't taste her if he loses the chance to savour her lips and feel the warmth of her body. He breathes between desperate kisses and his hands move fast around her clothes. His fingers work fast in each knot till he can throw away her dress. And he helps her to take off his clothes too, anytime she has a hard time, his hands are over hers undoing the knots of his own clothes.

He makes love to her. He relaxes her in every kiss, in every stroke. He kisses her body and opens her legs to kiss her tights too. He knows what other men have done to her so he is careful at first. He lets her decide the pace of this moment. He swallows her moans between thrusts when he is inside her. They make love. Jon licks her skin tasting every inch of her body. He feels he nails scratching his back when the pleasure runs through her body.

He can father no child and she doesn't deserve a bastard heir, the thought hits him. He is about to move when Sansa’s hands take his father. “It’s fine. This is what I want.” He puts his seed inside her and falls next to Sansa with a last kiss in her lips.

"I don't regret it." She says before he can start brooding. Jon is lying next to her, touching her hair. They look at each other. She is still numb in ecstasy.

"I love you." It is the first thing that comes out of his lips. He loves her. She kisses him and Jon is scared she won't say it back.

"I love you too, Jon." She purrs against his mouth. She sounds happy. Jon squeezes her against his chest. This is wrong. He knows this is wrong. He is in exile. He can father no children and take no wife. He will never be free. He will never be able to be with her in the way she deserves. And yet...

Here he is.

Jon wants to say something. He wants to talk about honour and doing the right thing. He wants to be a good man for her but, at the same time, he wants to be selfish. He has been dreaming about this for so long. He has sacrificed too much for the realm, for others... This is wrong.

"I know what you're thinking." She says. Her hand touches his chest delicately. "Everything you're thinking, I have thought about it before."

"Were you expecting...?" He chokes on his own words. Did she know about his feelings? Was she...?

"No. I didn't know if you loved..." She is unable to finish the sentence and her body trembles. She is still hurt. "I just thought about freeing you."

"I never loved her." Maybe he shouldn't say that. Maybe it would be better if she could think he is an honest man that would never manipulate a person that way. But Sansa deserves the truth. "We needed her dragons and army..."

"Jon." She cuts him softly with a smile. "You don't have to explain anything." She means that. "I understand now." She is too good for him. Sansa is too good for anyone. "You did the right thing." She reassures him. And Jon is thankful for that.

That night they don't talk anymore. Jon touches her and memorizes her body. They need to talk. They have to talk. They won't have another opportunity soon but they spend the night in silence, sharing slow kisses. They will meet again. He leaves before dawn with one last long kiss and a promise. She will summon him in the future and he will go.

Next day, he kneels before her and kisses her hand, his lips touch the fabric of her gloves, the lather feels cold but is the only thing he can do; a courtesy gesture. He watches her go then, her red hair shining under the sun.

They haven't talked but that is fine. Their story is not over. She is the smartest person he knows. Their story is a tragic one and has just begun. Jon remains in Castle Black as Lord Commander. Days later he receives a raven from Sansa. She has sent men to the Wall. He keeps the scroll and analyses Sansa's handwriting. Everything she does is beautiful and elegant. He can't answer yet. He waits for her people to arrive. She sends material and food as well. She takes care of her people. Jon receives another letter. This time, she sign only as Sansa Stark and she asks him to have patience. She asks for trust. Jon keeps the letter in his chambers hiding from the rest of the men.

He should be ashamed. He can take no wife. He can't have a lover. He promised himself a long time ago he wouldn't have a wife or a child, however, he could break every oath from the Night Watch for Sansa.

Nobody understands what he did back them. Nobody understands what the sentence really means for him. Nobody understands what duty is for him. Nobody understands what love is for him.

Sansa is love. Sansa is the person he loves the most.

And love is the death of duty.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part is here.

There is nothing he can offer her.

Jon can't give her the life she deserves. Jon can't be with her to share a life together. He is in exile and even if one day he is free to leave the Night Watch, he will never be able to marry a queen. Jon knows all that, however, here he is. Jon is kissing her like he is a thirsty man and she is the water that will save his life.

Jon is being selfish. He should be the one freeing her. He should be the one telling Sansa to move on, to forget him. She deserves so much more of what he can offer to her. However, Jon doesn't say anything. Sansa has summoned him and he came to her as fast as possible. Jon came to her with the excuse of needing more men and to show gratitude for all the help her kingdom provided to rebuild the Wall.

She has promised him good men and has accepted the gratitude of the Night Watch. They have drunk together during dinner and laugh and they have even danced. They were celebrating something. Sansa found an excuse to have music and food and ale. Nobody cared about them in such a light ambience. The lords still love Jon and their queen was happy dancing with her bastard brother. It is well known how much Sansa loves dancing and she has so little opportunities to dance these days so nobody saw anything weird. Nobody wanted to see anything wrong.

Jon has felt so happy with her that night even though he is not a very good dancer. They didn't have anything to hide that night. Now it is different but Jon doesn't care because Sansa is smiling at him and that is all that matters. That night they talk. Sansa has thought about everything. She can't pardon him yet. He will have to live in Castle Black for years. She will go to the Wall and he will come to Winterfell. The Wall is part of her kingdom and unlike the other monarchs that came before her. She plans on taking care of everything. She will move and visit all her kingdom from time to time. According to her, there is nothing worse than a ruler who doesn't know his people.

The moment he can leave the Night Watch they won't marry. It is impossible for a queenslayer to marry another queen. He will be the head of her personal guard. Wherever she will go, he will follow. It is probably they will never marry but Sansa is fine with that. She doesn't want to marry ever again. She still remembers her two weddings as a curse. Jon wants to marry her; he wants to give her the happiness she deserves and a ceremony she can cherish, but he can’t right now.

"If I don't marry you, I won't marry anyone." She says looking at him before giving Jon a hungry kiss on the lips. She knows what she wants. She knows what she can have. And Jon will give her everything he can. He will give her children. He will give her his life. He will give her his sword and his soul. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Sansa is worth it.

"I will only bear your children. I will be only yours." She promises and Jon is well aware of what that means but he never says anything. "No one else will touch me. No one will marry me." She continues.

He will father bastards. That is another promise he is breaking. There are too many promises, too many oaths and it is impossible not to break them but now he is used to that and doesn’t hurt anymore. And sometimes breaking an oath is the right thing to do.

That night he leaves her chambers soon after claiming his love for her. They can't spend the night together. This is not Castle Black, people here observe more and they have to be careful. Jon dreams about Sansa that night. He dreams about tearing her beautiful gown apart. He dreams about her red lips kissing him. He dreams about her soft skin touching his scars and kissing them after.

Jon makes love to her in her office the next day. Winterfell is not like Castle Black sadly, he can't go to her room without being seen any time he wants. He can't take off her clothes completely but he doesn't care. She is wearing her crown and he loves that. It has to be quickly and they don't have time to enjoy the other but Jon feels complete and happy after, the adrenaline still running through his veins. He helps her with her dress and makes every knot. He touches the fabric that looks like scales and then enjoys the furs under his fingers. She is a Tully and a Stark. Catelyn and Ned would be proud of her.

They sit and wait in silence to their breath to calm. Sansa takes his hand. He will have to go tomorrow at dawn, he can't postpone his trip for another day.

"Is the north happy knowing I'm here?" He asks. He never dared to ask about that before.

"They wished you could be here forever."

"Do they know who... do they know my name?"

"I just told Tyrion." She answers. "I tried to protect you when I told him that. And I didn't tell anyone else." She explains. Tyrion was the only one who could use that information to protect Jon. "He told Varys but I'm not sure if he sent any ravens."

"He probably did." Jon is not mad about that. He knows who he is now, his family knows and that is the only thing that matter. "My name won't erase my crime. Nobody will want a Targaryen free after what happened in King's Landing."

"I wish I could have done something."

"You saved me. You did everything you could." Jon knows she is hurt and no matter what he says that feeling won't leave her soon. However, he will reassure her every time she needs it. "I'm thankful."

He observes her touching her belly. She is thinking about having a family. He yearns for the same thing. He wants a girl. He prays the gods to have mercy and give them a baby. They are family and people in the north would understand if Jon would come to visit the queen and her child. He would leave the role of Lord Commander so he doesn't have so many responsibilities and can come here from time to time. He has to train a good man for the role.

He shouldn't dream about family and children but he does it anyway.

"They will know who their father is when the time comes." Sansa says suddenly and her words startle him. "I don't want them to think I'm ashamed of you."

The natural response should be that she should be, indeed, ashamed of Jon but he doesn't say anything. He just smiles and nods.

"Maybe there will never be a right time."

"Trust me." It is the only thing she says. Sansa sounds always certain about them and Jon doesn't have the strength to argue with her. Sansa is the smartest person he knows. She must know something that he doesn't.

When he leaves, he feels broken. A part of himself will be always with Sansa. He looks back at her and waves a farewell. It wasn't enough. The time they had wasn't enough. He goes to Castle Black with a small group of men with him.

After that day, Jon starts watching his men. He observes them carefully, one of those men will be the future Lord Commander when Sansa can pardon him. The person in charge of when that happens has to be trustworthy and honest.

It is absurd to start worrying about that so soon but it is the only thing he has now. He pets Ghost, he wants to go home too.

Months later he receives a letter from Sansa. She is pregnant. His first instinct is to leave everything behind to ride south, to go to Winterfell but he restrains himself. He can't go there. Being next to her is not his place yet. So he waits for the day he can go. He relaxes the day another raven comes, Arya is there and knows Sansa is expecting. She has decided to be with her.

Weeks later, his men start talking about the queen, she is pregnant. Nobody knows who the father is. Nobody dares to ask Jon. Everybody has heard about his fiery reaction to protect Sansa's honour when anyone says anything against her. The lack of raven is good news for Jon. Everything is fine, Sansa is fine. Jon counts the days and tries to guess when it will be appropriated to go to Winterfell with Sansa.

One day, he receives a raven from Arya and Jon leaves that day. He doesn't give any explanation, he just leaves. In the Wall, everybody understands. He rides with Ghost by his side. He goes as fast as possible and just stops when the horse or Ghost need to rest.

Jon is arriving at Winterfell when he feels it. He can't explain how he can feel it but all his body trembles and he knows he is late. The wind hits his face and he hears a wolf howling in the distance. It is a girl. He smiles and thanks to the gods for giving him a child, for allowing him this chance.

When he arrives, Arya is the one coming to receive him, Sansa is sleeping now. Jon nods.

"I wasn't expecting you so soon." She says with a bright smile and a hug.

"How could I miss this?" Jon says trying not to sound too eager and happy. This is their life now. This is what they can have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all.
> 
> Comments and kudos, as always, are welcomed.
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://the-hawk-eye-fics.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter will be soon. I hope you liked this.
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcomed.
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://the-hawk-eye-fics.tumblr.com/)


End file.
